Mad in Bollywood

1. Himesh Reshammiya is The Revenant

Himesh Reshammiya would be the man of choice. For sure. Wasn’t he who did a Gatsby in The Xpose? Remember, the cheers?

Yet, how much ever you would love to watch Himesh Reshammiya battle a grizzly, getting one of those great bears to India would be daunting. So we could have Anil Kapoor play the role. He surely has a convincing coat.

The revenant means a ghost or a person who has come back from the dead. Himesh Reshammiya has had practice doing that. Remember his reincarnation-revenge drama in Karzzzz? Perhaps, the Hindi title of The Revenant remake could be ‘Karzzzz Reloaded’.

And who’d be evil Fitzgerald? Hmm, Himesh might prefer to have Bhushan Kumar as his nemesis. For the record, the T-Series boss had chosen to have just a single release for the Himesh Reshammiya-starrer Kajraare.

Yet, who could replace Alejandro Gonzalez Innaritu? Rakeysh Om Prakash Mehra,Ram Gopal Varma, or Raj Kumar Santoshi? Take your pick.

2. Tiger Shroff as The Dantewada Girl?

This Tiger has no facial hair. The myth is that save for his head, Tiger Shroff may not have a single hair on his body.The young actor didn’t help his case when he went overboard while praising Hrithik Roshan.

Eddie Redmayne’s stunning performance, playing a transgender in The Danish Girl is difficult to beat without acting chops. But Tiger Shroff might just pull it off only on the strength of his hairless prettiness.

Denmark’s is too cold and far away, so, maybe the Hindi version can be called, ‘The Dantewada Girl’.

3. Arvind Kejriwal as Killjoy

As shocking as it may seem, Arvind Kejriwal has a bit of joy in him. Joy Mangano is a self-made millionaire. Our Arvind Kejriwal too is self-made man, an IITian, who would go on to create his own party and become the chief minister of the capital city of India.

Joy Mangano is the creator of the Miracle Mop, while Kejriwal’s Aam Admi Party is the creator of the political broom.

Kejriwal is infamous for his radical decisions that stun and annoy Delhiites. So our Bollywood version of Kejriwal starring Joy would have to be called Killjoy. If you don’t agree, please recall his recent fatwa to ban vehicles with odd or even numbered license plates on alternate days.

4. Aamir and Kiran Rao in The Intolerant Room

Emma Donoghue’s adaption of The Room helped Brie Larson to win her maiden Academy award. Room was inspired by a true incident where a five-year-old boy and her mother were held captive by an abusive father in a single room.

Kiran Rao and Aamir Khan qualify to play the Bollywood remake of the movie as they have quite publicly declared that the political environment in the country is so stifling that they would rather escape to a less intolerant place.

The 1973 hit song from Bobby, ‘Hum tum ek kamre main bandh ho, aur chabi kho jaye’ could also be revived for the Intolerant Room

5. Bapu Asaram, Tahir Raj Bhasin, and Kailash Satyarthi in the Spotlight

An unholy crime by the holy men. Tom McCarthy’s biographical drama Spotlight traces the journey of The Boston Globe’s Spotlight team that busted child sex abuse case involving Roman priests in Boston in early 2002.

Child sex abuse is a sad reality in India too. Over the years, few filmmakers have dared to touch the hideous subject. Popular among them were Madhur Bhandarkar’s Page 3 and Pradeep Sarkar’s Mardaani.

If one is to make a Bollywood version of Spotlight, then the directors can look up to some real and reel life heroes and villains who’d fit the bill perfectly: Noble peace winner Kailash Satyarthi has been a champion when it comes to saving unprivileged and enslaved children. Satyarthi is the perfect choice to play Attorney Garabedian, rather Vakil Garibdukhdoorkardian.

Well, after Mardaani and No One Killed Jessica, Rani Mukherji can qualify to play Sacha Pfeiffer’s part.

Akshay Kumar’s salt and pepper looks makes him perfect to play Liev Schrieber’s character. Mark Ruffalo and Michael Keaton’s character can be played by Manoj Bajpai and Naseeruddin Shah, respectively.

For the villains, we have a few candidates. Bapu Asaram will be the front runner, while Tahir Raj Bhasin’s had practice playing a similar hideous part in Mardaani.

6. Sidharth Malhotra, Deepa Sahi in Mad Sid: Aakrosh Sadak

High on action, not too low on substance. George Miller’s post-apocalyptic thriller Mad Max: Fury Road had quite a ride at the Oscars, winning 6 honors, albeit in below-the-line category. The film was received well by the critics and fans alike, and it proved to be a hit in India too.

Sidharth Malhotra unleashed the action hero in him with Ek Villain and Brothers. So, how about having the actor play Sid Rockatanksy in a desi version, Mad Sid: Aakrosh Sadak

And who could play Furiosa, the role played by the gamine Charlize Theron? I am rooting for Deepa Sahi.

Also, an angry, frowning Puneet Issar does look like a distant cousin of Immortan Joe.

Let’s call this cousin as Immarti Issar.